After telling you that June kicked my ass, I was very much looking forward to an easy-peasy lemony squeezy kind of July.
Unfortunately, for most of the month, my inner 10-year-old was annoyed by how the stuff I was dealing with in June hadn’t been resolved neatly within a 30-minute time frame. Her idea of helping me through it was to act like a brat.
I blame all the TV sitcoms she (we? I?) grew up watching where there was rarely a conflict that couldn’t be handled, hilariously (of course!), within a half-hour. Season finale cliffhangers were the only exception. It’s one of the reasons why she feels a little overwhelmed at how messy things can get before they get better.
I’m doing my best to remind her that what we’re currently navigating is more like the time Marlena, a character on the soap opera Days of Our Lives, got possessed. (I grew up watching that show for most of my childhood. Marlena was one of my favourite characters and her being overtaken by a demon was a jump the shark kind of moment.)
Just like that hokey demonic storyline, these things we’re dealing with now, showed up unexpectedly. We never would have asked for it, but we’re still left to deal with it.
Then, just like that storyline, these issues are sticking around and bothering us for a lot longer than we’d like.
I’m reminding her that, just like that storyline, all will be resolved in some ridiculous easy and uneventful way. Eventually.
And that when it’s over, we may feel a little frazzled because we dealt with all that bunk for as long as we did.
So, this is me letting you know that I’ve been feeling a little frazzled for a [few… days?... weeks?... months?] … while.
And I got quiet and didn’t write to you last month.
At first it was nice to withdraw a little bit so I could reassess not only what I was responding to, but how I was doing it, and why. I took more time to focus on what I really want in this moment and in the nearest future instead of fixating on the past that I can’t change.
Until it felt like I was constantly wearing the itchiest wool body sweater, that was giving me a rash, because I was giving myself TOO much attention. Ugh!
Creating helped.
I made art.
Getting my hands messy with paint and ink, shook up my energy for the better.
But I couldn’t write for a while.
Nothing felt worthy of sharing, and I didn’t want to add more unnecessary noise to the world.
And. And. And.
I felt guilty for enjoying the space I gave myself by not writing.
It was a very welcomed recharge, even if I didn’t feel like I’d suffered enough to earn it.
But. But. But.
It felt GLORIOUS!
I thumbed through one of my favourite books, Several Short Sentences About Writing by Verlyn Klinkenborg, and was reminded that taking time away from actual writing still counts… it’s part of the process.
Then what Michaela Coel said during her speech at the Emmys popped into my head:
“I just wrote a little something for writers, really. Write the tale that scares you, that makes you feel uncertain, that is uncomfortable. I dare you. In a world that entices us to browse through the lives of others to help us better determine how we feel about ourselves, and to, in turn, feel the need to be constantly visible, for visibility these days seems to somehow equate to success. Do not be afraid to disappear, from it, from us, for a while, and see what comes to you in the silence…” (Click here if you’d like to read her entire speech.)
So, I got quiet again.
It was nice.
New ideas started to form in my mind. The delightfully weird ones that made me curious to explore them.
That itchy wool body sweater sensation returned.
I started writing.
Made more art.
I liked what I wrote. It scared me.
Moved my body in ways that made me feel happy to have the body that I have.
I hated what I wrote. It didn’t scare me enough.
Spent a lot of time sitting in one spot which only made my body tense and achy.
I loved revising what I wrote.
The itchy wool body sweater feeling visited again, but it didn’t hang around for as long as before.
I developed an obsession with Lay’s sour cream and onion chips.
I laughed until I lost my breath and my belly and face ached.
Teared up while watching a ridiculous number of videos where [random animal] befriends another [random animal].
I wrote some more.
Sinéad O’Connor died and I re-watched the documentary, Nothing Compares, when I heard, for comfort. Listening to her music and re-reading what Hanif Abdurraqib wrote about her here and here, and this from Katherine May have also been comforting.
I continued to nurture my obsession with Lay’s sour cream and onion chips.
The first season of Fisk (Netflix) surprised me with its humour. So funny!
I started reading Cole Arthur Riley’s book, This Here Flesh: Spirituality, Liberation, and the Stories That Make Us. OMG! OMG! OMG! I’m slowly savouring it while I re-read and underline so many beautiful passages.
Re-watched this gem from Mike White whenever I needed a bit of a pep talk for feeling like I was wasting time when I should be creating.
Read All Systems Red by Martha Wells. It’s the first book in the Murderbot Diaries and I have a feeling that I’m going to be making my way through the whole series for how much I enjoyed this first one. (A Murderbot that watches soap operas is my kind of Murderbot!)
And then I finally gave myself permission to just enjoy taking a damn break. (Really, it was more like I resigned myself to what I was already doing, but whatevs.)
Because I was beating myself up for not doing what I had intended to do and instead was doing all the above. (Plus more, because there’s always more that’s going on.)
So, I didn’t write to you.
I revised a short story that I love, and have been working on for a while, instead.
I wrote a poem! (I don’t write poetry… except when I sign up for a friendly poetry challenge to… challenge myself… and end up liking what I wrote enough to share it with a close friend. It’s still very much a work-in-progress, but it’s got a pulse!)
And several other story-starts have been written down for safe keeping. (I bought more notebooks because they feel good in my hands, and there’s no such thing as having too many notebooks to give these ideas of mine more space to grow.)
Sent my husband out late one night for more Lay’s sour cream and onion chips to satisfy a craving.
Spent a day by a lake! (Thankfully the sound of waves crashing against the shore, the charbroiled cheeseburger, fries with the BEST gravy that I ate, and the collection of rocks and driftwood that came home with me overshadow most of the many arguments that powered us getting to that lake.)
Watched the second season of Heartstopper (Netflix) with a permanent grin on my face because I loved it so much!
Hung out with my kid when he wasn’t busy at camp. (He rated it a 7.5 out of 10—which is high praise coming from him!)
Cuddled some cats. And a doggo! (Thank you, S and J, for asking me to look after your babies!)
And here I am… writing you a rambling about some of the (many) things that have been on my mind lately. Thank you for reading!
How are you doing?
I’m always curious to know, and I appreciate hearing from you if you you’d like to share. But you know it’s always your choice.
FYI, later this month, I’m planning on sharing something that I had a ball writing last year, but I wasn’t ready to let you see it back then. But I think I am now. It’ll likely send it out so it coincides with my birthday at the end of the month. You’ll understand why when you read it.
Although, I haven’t yet decided if I’ll make it available for free, or if it’ll be the first thing I offer that’s only for paid subscribers.
I’ll let my gut guide me, and I’ll keep you posted.
Enjoy the rest of your day.
PS. Don’t forget that there’s still time to join Exploring Creative Connection Through Visual Journaling before it retires next year. And that sweet retirement pricing is still in effect if you’re interested in joining! (You can catch up on why that is by clicking here.)
This is so much fun for me to read! Laughing at the mention of the demon possessed Marlena, to the tastebud memory of sour cream and onion chips. The way you share is a delight and it invites us to explore further or stay where we are and snuggle in. Thank you for sharing your voice ❤️