Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t
Or is it?
Are you familiar with the idiom, “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t?”
If you aren’t like me and you didn’t have this etched into your bones at a young age, Merriam-Webster states that it’s a saying used to show “that it is better to deal with a difficult person or situation one knows than with a new person or situation that could be worse.”
I don’t consider it to be the most hopeful phrase.
And yet, it was often said to me in a hopeful way, as if to strongly encourage me to be more grateful for whatever I already had. Not because it was special, or good, or even right for me. But simply because something else might be worse.
People stated it as fact, and then there was little to no discussion about how choosing someone, or something, else might have been a hell of a lot better for me.
It took me a long time to recognize that this was people’s fear talking, and I didn’t have to listen to everything their fear told me to do.
Sometimes I can waste a lot of time trying to understand and appreciate where another person’s fear came from. Sometimes, (but usually only after I’ve done a heap of labour for very little reward), I try to not let it bother me.
Understanding another person’s fear can’t always be my primary concern. Recognizing when people are using their fear to force me, or manipulate me, into doing something, is my latest obsession. Because spotting it reminds me to make a choice consciously, that’s in alignment with my values. Which also helps me keep my fear in check.
Because eventually, this saying, “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t” became my mantra for enduring. For not giving up.
It’s why I can still cling to people and situations that are shitty to me, and for me, for way longer than I should. Then I’ll act like I was proud of how long I toughed it out.
But this only makes me disappointed and resentful. (And, unfortunately, no one hands out gold stars for all the effort you put into being disappointed and resentful.)
So lately, I’ve been trying something new.
When I catch myself trying to use “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t” on myself to stay stuck in a situation that’s no longer ideal for me, I get curious about why.
What are the benefits of staying? Of leaving? Of trying something different? Who benefits from me folding in on myself because I’m too afraid to do what I feel is right? What’s the harm in just exploring options? What are the worries? What if this new thing ends up being better? Whose voice is it really that’s in my head, encouraging me to ignore my intuition?
And then I try to remind myself of all the times I made a change, tried something new, and it ended up being the right thing to do!
Reviewing these times helps me build up my courage to do it again.
Like:
That time, only weeks ago, when I finally talked to my current rheumatologist about stopping one med that I started taking almost six years ago. It’s one of two major prescriptions my former rheumatologist really pushed me to take to help me manage my rheumatoid arthritis. It seemed to work well enough, and once you find a combination of medication that works, nobody (medical professionals and patients who can’t forget the pain they felt before the drugs took most of it away) wants to mess with it. Unfortunately, with this one med of mine, if it weren’t for my insurance it would cost close to a couple thousands of dollars (that I do not have) each month. It also comes with some side effects that have been making me absolutely miserable for almost the entire time I’ve been taking it. (And didn’t I just discover that my former rheumatologist may have prescribed it prematurely… meaning I may have never needed it in the first place! I can never get back any of that time I’ve spent over the years fighting with insurance companies and pharmacies to get a drug that maybe I could have done without. Grrr.)
It’s only been six weeks since I last took that med, but that’s six weeks of relief that I haven’t felt in almost in six years!
It’ll be another few months before I know if I’ll be able to continue managing my rheumatoid arthritis with the help of only one medication that I’m still taking, or if I’ll have to go back to needing two (or more if my system goes wonky). I’m choosing to remain hopeful… but no matter what happens, nothing can take away these few weeks of relief from me.
Or that time, months ago, when I took the plunge and finally found a barber who is an absolute delight to work with! AND they make it super easy to snag a COVID conscious appointment (that they’re still offering in 2024!) on a day when the salon they work from is usually closed!
I’m too happy to cry over how long I tried to convince myself that I couldn’t do better than paying a ridiculous amount of money for a guaranteed lopsided cut from a “curly hair expert” (who was definitely not my Sue!), so that I could force my husband to fix it with his clippers in our bathroom, while we fought about what he was doing wrong.
Or that time, a couple of weeks ago, when I went and changed my entire website to make it feel more like me.
My kid expressed his embarrassment for me as soon as he saw my old site. I was embarrassed enough by it before he used his outside voice to say this to me when we were very much inside, sitting next to each other on our couch. So, click here if you’d like to see the new version that doesn’t embarrass me or my kid. (At least it didn’t at the time of me writing this)
Or that time, weeks ago, when I decided that if I immersed myself in things that brought be joy, it might be a great way to distract myself from every new little twinge or ache that I might experience in my body since stopping my one RA medication. So, instead of sitting around dreading that the worst of my RA pain may return, I doubled down on following my joy, and went back to basics to care for my body, mind, and spirit so I could stay in front of a potential flare. So, three cheers for:
Discovering the ending to a new short story that I’ve absolutely loved writing because of the funny, snappy dialogue that takes readers through a rollercoaster of emotions. (Thank you, L, for all the attention you give to my words, and for chatting to me about writing and EVERYTHING else that we don’t shy away from discussing when we meet!)
Taking more walks where I’ve stumbled upon a big, sleeping beaver; an opossum hanging from a branch a little too close to my head for my liking, but still amazing to behold; several treetops filled with cedar waxwings sunning themselves just before sunset; the Canadian goose who sat on the rail of the boardwalk and hissed at me, but didn’t bite me, when I had no other choice but to walk past it; a gaggle of fuzzy yellow Canadian goslings following their parents around the park; the turkey vultures airing out their wings while perched high on the spruce trees; the cardinals that serenade me in stereo. (Thank you to the oldest of my menfolk for keeping me company on most of these walks. And for all the walks we’ve taken over the twenty years we’ve been together.)
Going back to the basics in my movement, and breathing exercises because despite being simple, they’re still powerful AF.
Napping when I’m tired.
Sliding down a deep learning curve so I can write a screenplay that adapts one of my short stories into a TV pilot. (Thank you, N, for all the care you’re showing me and my story while you help me make this a reality.)
Watching all the TV shows and movies my little eyeballs, and brain, can handle in the name of research to improve my skills.
Eating take-out chicken tacos with extra KAPOW! sauce.
These are just a few recent examples of when I’ve been terrified of an alternative choice, but once I made it I had no regrets. So, after I’ve walked myself down memory lane with the hope of fortifying my courage, I go back and consider what I want to do about that difficult person or situation I’m dealing with now.
Sometimes, I choose to not change a thing. (Meaning I stick with the devil I know.) I have my reasons/excuses for doing this, and I know I’ll have to deal with the consequences of my choice.
Other times, I ask for something better… even though my voice shakes while I do it.
And then there are the times I’m most proud of because instead of wasting energy wishing things could be better, or begging for a measly crumb of improvement, I just quietly pivot and focus my attention, time, money, and effort on making a different choice, a deeper choice. One that’s in better alignment with who I am, and who/what I want to support.
Because sometimes the devil you don’t know isn’t a devil at all.
And it’s worth the effort to find that out for yourself.
What are you willing/able to endure to explore that option?
Enjoy the rest of your day.
PS. Here are just a few highlights from my recent research viewing sessions worth sharing: (with links to their IMDb listings if you’d like to learn more about the titles listed below.)
Extraordinary – I rushed through the two seasons quickly and enjoyed them. Now I’m going back to revisit some episodes and it’s even funnier than I remembered.
Baby Reindeer – I watched the first episode and decided I’d seen enough. But since I’m nosy, I binged the entire series. And I’d glad I did. It’s impressive, even though there are a lot of scenes that absolutely broke my heart.
Maid – This was another series that I didn’t want to watch because of the subject. And again, I watched the first episode and thought I was done. But I couldn’t stop wondering about what would happen next. I’m still thinking about everything that happened now that I’ve watched all the episodes.
