Doomscrolling is often part of my bedtime routine.
Depending on how my day has gone, it may be the only time I have a chance to catch up on world news, decide which emails actually need to be dealt with, and tackle Wordle. I’m currently rocking a record 27-day streak with the word game!
My phone keeps me company late into the night. Only people who have never had to unexpectedly text someone in the morning to help them physically get out of bed, like I have, suggest that I leave it in another room to improve my sleep hygiene.
My phone helps me connect (aka share funny gifs) with friends who are also struggling with sleep/pain/everything. It’s how I find out about the weather that I’ll likely only experience if I remember to look out a window the next day. And it’s my phone I use to purchase items well past midnight, when it’s easier to convince myself that I can’t live without them.
My phone is also where I checked my email at 12:54 am Monday and learned I hadn’t been selected for the fellowship I recently told you about.
If you’re wondering… yes, the news stings.
And yes, I questioned why I ever decided to tell you I applied for it because now I’m feeling awkward AF in sharing this news with y’all. (Although I would have missed all of your kind words if I hadn’t sent that last email. Thank you for them.)
However, please don’t send me messages filled with praise and well wishes trying to cheer me up. I’m alright. I’ll be happy to accept your kindness on some day in the future… when it won’t feel like salt irritating my wound.
But receiving a “thanks, but no thanks” kind of response isn’t a new concept for me. Especially since I’ve been submitting more pieces of my writing out in the world! Several editors, and writing workshop facilitators have recently been ever so kind with helping me build up my resilience to rejection. (Read that last sentence with only a hint of sarcasm because it mostly has been helpful.)
But usually it’s just me, or a teeny-tiny crew I’ve kept in the loop, who know this. So, welcome to being a part of my expanded crew! Thanks for being here!
While this application process didn’t end in a way that I had hoped it would, I’m still celebrating all that I did to receive another “decline” in Submittable anyway.
It was also easier to celebrate when the necklace I’d bought for myself weeks ago was delivered to my door a few hours after reading that email at 12:54 am. And yes, it was purchased with the help of my phone late one night.
I ordered it after I applied for the fellowship because I wanted a tangible reminder of what had gone into taking a risk and trying. And no matter if I was accepted or not, my journey wasn’t ending. Also, I’ve got a thing for trees.
And it’s a physical reminder that I’m never truly alone. I’ve had a lot of help to get here. And this thing has some heft to it which really makes me remember that I’m not alone!
And speaking of reminders about never truly being alone…
I find it wild that just a few hours before learning I hadn’t been selected, a participant in my visual journaling course reached out to share what they’ve recently created. (I LOVE when participants do this!) They also thanked me for my presence and encouragement since we started working together. (It’s truly been my honour to be a witness to how their creative practice has changed and continues to bring them joy.)
An hour before my necklace was delivered, an acquaintance I hadn’t heard from in a while sent me a comic that made me chuckle even while my eyes were leaking a little sadness. They had no idea how I was feeling, or about the news, and yet their timing was perfect.
And lastly, my biggest cheerleader sent me the very best number to call if you need a sweet pep talk. They shared it on Sunday when neither of us knew I’d be needing to call it on Monday. I highly recommend that you cycle through all the prompts no matter how you’re feeling.
So, cheers to our journey of continuous growth and interconnectedness. Even when it doesn’t go as planned. And may you also receive numerous reminders that you are never truly alone. Be on the lookout for them.
Please go after what you want because it excites you, and brings you joy… no matter the outcome. Maybe something better/different will take its place. But you know I’m a big fan of enjoying the process more than focusing on a perfect end product. So, don’t forget to look for the fun that’s waiting for you in the messy middle.
Thank you for reading. Be well and the enjoy the rest of your day.
PS. I’ve been on a visible mending bender the last few weeks. Finally getting around to patching jeans, shirts, and socks that I love in ways that celebrate my colourful, creative (sloppy) stitches. Rheumatoid arthritis isn’t the friendliest sewing companion so this whole process is very slow going. But it’s going, and it’s helping me take occasional breaks from doomscrolling.
Piles of books on the subject have been accumulating around my place for years. Mending Life: A Handbook for Repairing Clothes and Hearts by Nina and Sonya Montenegro is one of my favourites. But really, I’ve been inspired by the other six books (likely more if I were to do a proper count) sitting on my bookshelf (or in one of the many piles of books on my floor because there’s no more room on my bookshelf). And I’ve got my eye on Creative Mending: Beautiful Darning, Patching and Stitching Techniques by Hikaru Noguchi that comes out today. I’d appreciate some reviews if and when you read it… but I’ll probably just end up buying it before that happens.
PPS. I don’t love a lot of Disney films, but then I watched Encanto and I actually really enjoyed it. I appreciated most of the messages throughout, that not every character had unrealistic body measurements, and how much love is shown to curly hair!!! Although now I’m not a huge fan of how often my kid sings and hums a lot of the songs.