Intention doesn't negate impact
And a couple of important reminders before I wander off to my hibernation fort made of blankets and cats for the winter.
Last week, I was walking several feet ahead of my menfolk in our neighbourhood when an SUV slowly pulled up beside me and stopped.
It was night, and the car was dark, so I couldn’t see what was going on inside. But I felt like I was being watched.
We have community mailboxes in our area, so it’s not unusual to see a car stop near one so a driver, or passenger, can hop out and pick up their mail before they continue driving to their house. But there wasn’t a mailbox nearby. Not even across the street.
I don’t know why, but I needed the people in this car to know that I saw them. I blame the mama bear inside me who hangs out close to the surface. My kid was approaching, and I was feeling extra protective of him. So I just turned and stared at the car. But I’m pretty sure it was my you-don’t-want-to-fuck-with-me stance that made them roll down their window.
And I regretted it immediately.
The white guy with the pornstache insisted he stopped the car so I could cross a school driveway… that was at least three lengths of his car ahead of us… before he made a right turn into it.
He didn’t appreciate me pointing out that he had plenty of time to turn before I even got close to the driveway.
He didn’t appreciate me pointing out that he didn’t have his right indicator on, so how the fuck would I know that’s what he planned to do.
He also didn’t appreciate me now making him wait because I wasn’t crossing the driveway fast enough.
So I told him to just turn because, again, I wasn’t near the driveway.
“But I stopped so you could cross first!”
He couldn’t understand why I wasn’t praising him. He! Stopped! For! Me! I was supposed to be grateful.
I was getting cold, and my eyes were hurting from rolling them hard, so I gave up.
I spewed some sweary prayers at him and then snail-paced my way across that driveway to make sure my menfolk could catch up.
Further delaying that fucker’s right turn was simply a sweet bonus. Yes, I can be petty AF sometimes.
But my main reason was that the whole interaction spooked me and I and wanted this guy to know I wasn’t alone.
I don’t get kind and friendly vibes from people who become aggressive after I decline their offer of help that I never asked for, nor do I want.
Especially when it’s a white guy with a pornstache creeping up on me on a dark and quiet street.
My husband and I have always told my kid that he has to consider the person he’s trying to help. Meaning, if the person doesn’t want or need the help you want to give them, you aren’t really helping them. He seems to get it. But to make it stick, we mined the contents of this interaction he witnessed to use as learning material!
Fast-forward to this past weekend, when I had an experience with my parents that knocked my mental health way off-kilter.
And in a way that made me seek professional help.
Thankfully, I got back on track when my non-therapy, therapist (just go with it) reminded me that “intention doesn’t negate impact”. (While I put this phrase in quotes, I don’t remember if these were their exact words or if this is me paraphrasing what they actually said and/or what I heard.)
A few days before, I could easily point this out to my kid. Back when he was thinking we had done something wrong and that’s why the man had stopped and was angry with us. But it took someone else to remind me this time because helpers need helpers, too.
These four words, intention doesn’t negate impact, have become my mantra. It interrupts me trying to justify harmful actions directed at me.
Especially when I’m trying to defend abuse hurled at me by loved ones because I want to believe that they didn’t mean to hurt me.
Those four words also help me check on and correct the harmful impacts my intentions have caused.
Because I fuck up too.
And yet, I’m determined to break a few family cycles!
So this mantra also reminds me to rest and take care of myself while I heal from the impact of awful intentions that are crushing my spirit.
And that’s exactly what I’m doing.
Because everything that comes with another pandemic year, and constantly trying to stay ahead of a flare, makes this period of deep rest even more necessary.
But before I wander off to my hibernation fort made of blankets and cats for the winter, I wanted to remind you of a couple of things.
Number one
Earlier this year, I launched an online course, Exploring Creative Connection Through Visual Journaling. It’s filled with exercises, activities and prompts that’ll actually get you making art even if you feel you don’t have enough talent or time.
It helps you expand your creative confidence, deepen your self-awareness through play, and manage your stress.
While it’s a self-paced course, I invite participants to meet with me live, but virtually, a few times a year so we can create in community.
And in February 2022, I’ll be hosting weekly group gatherings for everyone who’s enrolled!
You’ll get even more opportunities to connect as well as have some accountability while you make your way through the course. I’m always available to answer questions, but these weekly meetings can add some momentum to your creative practice.
Reserve your spot now and you can get started right away!
Number two
You’ll find me sharing more about my relationship with my favourite season, winter, in Ulrika Persson’s course, The Winter Connection. Ulrika is a gentle guide who’ll help you “tap into the wisdom of the season, nature and yourself”. This course is a beautiful place to land if you’re craving more rest in your life.
Registration closes on Dec. 19th and the course starts on the Winter Solstice, Dec. 2st.
And if anyone wants to know what to get me for Christmas, here’s my wish list:
Become a paid subscriber of A Fun Mess if you’re enjoying these notes that help you see the world in different ways.
Support my work, and my rest, by donating any amount you wish.
Help your local community, the people you love, the strangers you care for as friends while keeping your capacity, resources and saviour complex in mind.
I’d also appreciate it if you could share A Fun Mess and help me get these notes to people who need them.
Enjoy the rest of your day.
PS. I’ve watched A LOT of shows and movies since we last got together and here are some of my favs:
Even though I’m kinda getting sick of Marvel movies, Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings injected some entertaining energy into the franchise.
Free Guy is delightful. Ryan Reynolds’ humour is cute, but I can usually only stand it in small doses before it becomes annoying. But I made it through the entire movie with no need for a barf bag. It was also great to watch this with my kid and hear him laugh along with it.
Dexter: New Blood (Showtime) this reboot/continuation of the series is (so far) making up for the horrendous last season of the origins series.
I never thought a Norwegian-based supernatural show would interest me, but here I am being sucked in by Ragnarok (Netflix).
The eight episodes of season one of Sort Of (CBC) are some of the most impactful TV I’ve watched in a long time. I watched them all in one night and I’m looking forward to watching them again soon. Make this a must-watch if you haven’t already and keep your fingers crossed for a season two.
I’ve held my breath, yelled at the screen and cried my way through many episodes of the previous two seasons of Lost In Space (Netflix). And the third and final season had the same effect. And I loved every second.
PPS. I feel this deeply.