I'm all about the big D
It’ll be worth the wait.
My hibernation has been longer than usual this year. I’m only just coming out of it.
2024 kind of kicked my ass. Then it stomped on me a few times when I was down.
So, I’m not surprised by how much time I needed to recover(ish) and glean wisdom from those emotional beat downs.
But also, why couldn’t the entire process go by WAY faster than it did?!?!?!?!
I know I shared two short stories with you while I was hibernating. However, I wrote The Solitude Booth and Harold’s End before 2024 came for me. Then both stories got published this year. (Thank you for reading them!)
But, last year, adapting Harold’s End into a TV pilot highlighted where, and how, I wasn’t acting like the main character in my life.
Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!
I don’t know why I’m still amazed by how much writing helps me understand myself better, but I am.
And also, it’s rather annoying when your writing so rudely, and repeatedly, shares some truths you’ve been desperately trying to ignore.
So, during my hibernation, I sat with a couple of decades’ worth of things I’ve been trying to pretend weren’t issues in my life.
In case you’re wondering… HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE! ZERO STARS! I DO NOT RECOMMEND!
BUT…
It was enlightening.
And it helped me make a big decision; to get a divorce.
Therefore, my main focus in 2025 is all about dealing with this big ol’ D in my life.
And doing it in ways that continue to be thoughtful. Brave. Humane.
It’s still early days in our separation. And despite my certainty that this is the right decision for me (and my kid), not knowing “how” this will all play out can sometimes make me feel a little frazzled.
And yet, I more often feel like I’m going to burst from excitement.
So while my ex and I take the next few months to figure out the details on how we’ll co-parent the part of my heart wandering around outside of my body, I may be a little quiet here.
OR…
You may hear more from me because I turn to writing and making art to help me process stressful situations. (I mean, I wrote a TV pilot and a feature film to help me get through 2024! I didn’t even know how to write a screenplay at the beginning of that year.)
But for now, I share this news with you simply to let you know what’s going on in my world.
And perhaps to remind myself that I’m more than capable of being the main character of my life when I finally wake the fuck up… when I want to be.
Especially when:
I look and feel a little messy.
I’m aiming for “fun messy”. A friend gave me a compliment via text recently when I was complaining about some petty shit. She wrote, “You take risks by being authentic and therefore can seem messy… [Other] People will know eventually what’s what.” YES! YES! YES!!! I’m an authentic and (a pragmatic) risk taker. But I can appear to be messy AF to someone who fears those things. And playing with that sounded like it would be a lot more fun than complaining. So, thank you, A, for helping me realize I want to be fun messy FOREVER!
And when:
I struggle to check yet another item off my long list of “things I need to figure out”.
I know I’ll figure it out. Eventually. And I’ll reach out for help when I need it. But sometimes I’m going to be too tired to remember this.
And when:
I question my sanity for initiating the second and third highest stressful life events on the Holmes & Rahe Stress Scale when the world’s stresses are already at an all-time high.
The Stress Scale has received criticism over the years, so keep that in mind if you wander down this rabbit hole. And also, I still score 300+ (the highest risk for illness) without including divorce and separation from the list. But I feel-it-in-my-bones that whatever challenges I encounter while navigating both of them now will ultimately bring me more peace. So, I’m going for it.
What big Ds are you dealing with in your life?
Denouncing genocide? Disarming dumbasses who think violence is the only answer? Closing the expansive divide in human decency?
Whatcha grappling with?
Thank you for reading.
Enjoy the rest of your day.
Congratulations! Excited for you. Remember always that you have community around you as well as your own resilience. My big D is the same as always: Defying capitalism, colonialism, heteropatriarchy, and white supremacy. And Daring to believe that a better world is possible.
The big D in my life is Defense and the Knicks needing it. However, forever proud of you and cheering you on through any and all life changes!