How to commit to a new life
So you don't waste more time waiting for an old one that'll never return.
This week I’ve been sitting with these words:
"If we have lost the relative ease and mobility of the past, it may be hard to make a real commitment to this new life. There's a tendency to deny these new circumstances and wait for our old life to return. But in every moment, every day, every week we spend lamenting our lost life, we also have an opportunity to shift all our interest and creativity to this new life. Perhaps even more than in the past, our lives demand everything we can bring to them. The purpose of our lives may not be to produce something wonderful or to become rich or famous or renowned for wisdom; the purpose may just be to express our own sincerity doing completely whatever it is that we do, immersing ourselves in the situation in which we find ourselves. When our way is very hard, we have an opportunity to use every flicker of our imaginative fire. This attitude gives us a tremendous sense of freedom and creativity. We feel as if we can imbue any situation with the richness of our own poetry."
It's a passage from Turning Suffering Inside Out: A Zen Approach to Living with Physical and Emotional Pain by Darlene Cohen.
A friend gifted me this book, a few years ago, after I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis (RA). It helped me hold on to hope, no matter how small, to get through many months of the worst never-ending pain I’d ever experienced.
I turned to it again recently when some of that pain returned for an unwelcome visit with my shoulders. And when my mind wanted to point out all the ways four doses in my immunocompromised body might not save me after each announcement of more pandemic restrictions being lifted. (You’ll still find me under a couple of masks for a long while yet.)
Thankfully, even while currently experiencing physical and emotional pain, the above passage helped me recognize just how much I would have missed if I was still clinging to my old life, before RA.
This week alone, I’ve had a chance to connect and work with people in Japan, Sweden, England, India, USA and within the country I live in, Canada. Virtually, or course. But old life Olwen would probably still be trying too hard to connect with neighbours who won’t even acknowledge her, even when they meet at the mailbox. And she’d still be trying to make nice with the neighbours in her old book club who never returned the copy of Roxane Gay’s memoir, Hunger, that she lent them. (An unforgivable offence.)
Old life Olwen wouldn’t be signing up for more writing courses or consider herself an equal participant even in the company of other more experienced writers. To be clear, there’s a lot I still want to learn and improve, but I know my inexperience doesn’t make me less than anyone else.
And old life Olwen definitely wouldn’t have sent almost 2,000 of her words to Roxane Gay.
But that’s exactly what last Thursday Olwen did.
And then she squealed and gyrated her hips in a happy dance until she hurt herself.
Last Thursday, I applied for one of the Joel Gay Creative Fellowships Roxane Gay established in her late brother’s honour.
It’s the kind of opportunity I would have let my fear help me ignore had it popped up a few months earlier.
The kind of opportunity that had me dreaming about the future in ways I never imagined were possible for me.
The kind of opportunity that feels like it’s pushing me through a portal of possibilities. Where I teeter between excitement and wondering if I’ve had a break with reality.
Naturally, I worried about dealing with a repeat of what I experienced in July. But, so far, it hasn’t been an issue. Although I’m still being vigilant.
But when I woke up last Friday, what I wanted to do most was celebrate the fact that I actually sent almost 2,000 of my words to Roxane Gay!
No one can take that away from me.
***
Do I feel awkward sharing this with you when I have no idea if I’ll even be considered?
Absofuckinglutely!
Was it an easy process to apply?
Not for me.
I was certain I wanted to apply as soon as it was announced. But even though I’m a big fan of focusing on the process instead of fixating on being perfect, I’ve got extremely high standards. I was editing and redrafting right up until I hit “submit” on the last day submissions were being accepted. I turned into a sleep-deprived toddler having a tantrum as the deadline loomed overhead. Yes, tears and foot stomping were involved. As was one of my biggest cheerleaders who always answered my call when I needed to be reassured.
Any regrets?
Surprisingly, no. I’m been relatively calm since hitting that big ol’ submit button. And I’m trying my best to enjoy it instead of analyzing why.
No matter who ends up being the selected fellows (who you know will be awesome because… Roxane Gay!), nothing can take away the fact that I did something I would have talked myself out of doing last year.
It was a way to honour what I’ve done, and continue to do, to improve my craft and support my joy and creative process. As well as the many teachers I’ve learned from and people who have supported me along the way.
And again, no one can take away the fact that I actually sent almost 2,000 of my words to Roxane Gay!!!
***
Since the fellowship is in partnership with Substack (what I use to send you these notes). It also helped me reconsider how I want to show up, for you and for me, here in this newsletter. Because, just like what Darlene Cohen wrote, this is where I’ll express my sincerity and use some of those flickers of my “imaginative fire” as I commit to this new life of mine… whatever it looks like.
Especially if it’ll encourage you to move past waiting for an old life that’ll never return, and instead notice the creativity, joy, wisdom and beauty that’s already surrounding you.
I wonder… what’ll happen when you do?
You can hit reply or leave a comment if you feel inclined to share.
Be well and enjoy the rest of your day.
PS. Abbott Elementary (ABC) keeps getting better with each episode I watch. I love a show that’s smart and gets funnier the more I watch it.
I initially set out to put on one episode of As We See It (Prime) as a reward for completing a certain task for my application. Instead, I ended up binging it in a day because I couldn’t stop watching all the great actors and characters. It’s sweet without being sickly.
It took a minute for Somebody Somewhere (HBO) to grow on me. I still don’t quite understand the hold it has on my heart, but I want more time with the Sam, Joel and Fred Rococo characters.
PPS.
Olwen, congratufuckinglations! Happy and inspired to see you stepping out in that big, bold and totally appropriate way. Lucky fellowship committee that gets to read your 2000 words, that's what I have to say about that! Also, my body has been loud lately too, so I'm grateful to not feel so alone there. Lots of small movements in my life, not feeling a pull to something bigger yet but oh so happy to hear about your application. (and the binge watching tips :)